Although I know I gave birthday wishes to you on the actual day - I must admit they were not as fullfilling as both of us would have liked - namely on my part because I hadn't been to a birthday shindig with you and I had as of that moment decided exactly what to get you without a penny in my pocket.  Then of course the answer became obvious - something you have asked me for on numerous occasions and I has of yet to show you...and as it is it is still unfinished.  However - in the light of some recent events I felt that you deserved some cheering up and some more genuine birthday regards - so *and I hope I am with you when you read this* I have gone against my initial sneaky insticts to keep this project a secret until it was done and have enclosed here your birthday pressent in progress - so that you know it is coming and can maybe feel a little bit better knowing that when it gets to you in it's official capacity you will have shining birthday love whenever you wish!  Happy birthday my blood, my friend, the cure for all my boredom - hope this sneek peak keeps you going, knowing that somewhere in our gene pool - there is a like-minded person who is thinking of you and wishing you all the best in the years to come.  Without further ado - here it is - your soon-to-be birthday present.  Much love - Nicole

So having just recently updated that not much was going on in the usual "parental argument" sector that has become expected while I stay at home it seemed my post was akin to saying "what's the worst that could happen?"

Last night I decided that I would try my hand at cooking some chicken tacos and had called and asked my parent's permission to do so. Since there was no defrosted chicken it took awhile and I had just begun seasoning the chicken when they got home from grocery shopping. I had dumped the seasons in a bag with the chicken and had appropriately shaken it up and had the george forman lined up ready to place the chicken on. I then opened the bag with one hand *careful not the touch the inside* and then reached in with my other *washed* hand to pat the seasonings into the chicken before taking it and putting it on the grill. My dad immediately jumped on what I was doing - "you're touching the chicken with you bare hands?" "Yeah, I am rubbing in the seasonings and then putting it on the grill, I washed my hands..." My mom then reminded me to spray the george forman so I reached for the pam with my non-chickened hand and my dad FLIPPED out saying I was spreading salmanila everywhere. When I argued back that I hadn't touched the chicken with that hand he insisted he "saw me do it" and he and mom then insisted that I didn't know what I was doing. All this was done with yelling as I was trying to apease them by washing my hands and grabbing tongs I yelled back "alright!" At which point my mom felt that it was prudent to remind me that I "didn't know EVERYTHING" and that "they were allowed to tell me what to do as my parents" - again yelling at me. And I suppose the fact that I hadn't argued with them in awhile - instead eating my anger at a couple of choice points - caused me to kind of go into a silent rage trying to once again refrain from escalating the situation. But of course my parents are seemingly unaware of the effect they have so five minutes later my dad is trying to talk to me all friendly and I am giving him curt answers both to try to stay calm and to indicate that I didn't want to talk and he once again flipped out yelling that I couldn't let anything go and that always had an attitude - and then he stormed off. I clenched my jaw for an hour and almost cried over the kitchen sink I was so angry and no longer hungry for my chicken I just put it away. My release came when tori came home - she is seemingly my savior around the house, and I like to think that I am hers.

Because of the fight I was kind of wound tight and couldn't go to sleep right away and for the first time since taking my medication didn't sleep well. As a result I woke up kind of in a weird state of mind - kind of foggy since I took my meds later than normal and had to get up earlier than normal for a therapists appointment which ended up being kind of disappointing. This was only our second session and the first session had gone pretty well I thought - she had mapped out a plan of the issues we needed to deal with and I felt for the first time that I was going to have problems addressed correctly. However, this session *probably because of my weird mood* seemed odd - there was very little talking about what was going on in my head or life - only two instances that I can think of where we discussed the fight I had with my parents before - which lead to a huge "exercise" on controlling my breathing and trying to establish a better train of thought after the fight has ended. And then she approached one of our topics which was "identity issues" which caused me to immediately bring up the dream that I had discussed before since it was the first dream in a while that I had been an actual female and that it confirmed heterosexual desires. This then lead to another exercise which was kind of silly where she put elements of my dream in petals of a flower and asked me the significance of each thing which was difficult since I felt I didn't really know and that was the reason it was showing in dream form. It then was weird since we started talking more about identity and self-confidence and then about little things I could work on to improve this. The first thing she said was "when you look away it makes you look sad - you should make eye contact more" which was depressing since it meant she didn't get that the whole identity problem was about being more honest - meaning I don't have a problem meeting people's eyes if I am not talking about the stuff in therapy. And then there was more misunderstandings until she started giving me compliments and when I couldn't meet her eye or say thank you she insisted that I didn't know what it was like to take a compliment which lead me to explain to her that after only two sessions and our current topic the compliments felt forced and not real - to which she was like "you're such an honest person for telling me that' goading me into another compliment. I finally said thank you and was able to leave the session.

I then stopped by tori's work to grab the dreaded dunkin donuts application. She was super busy so I went home shortly after and suddenly found myself exhausted. It didn't feel like lack of sleep exhausted - it felt like getting over a fever exhausted. My body hurt and my brain was foggy - I knew there was a bunch of stuff that I should be doing, that I WANTED to be doing but my body could not find the energy. I felt anemic or something and simply had no choice but to lie down and take a nap.

Waking up I found my dad had brought subway and that I had little time to decide whether or not I was going to softball - which I opted out of since it meant we were only playing two innings or so and I hadn't been on the roster for the first 4 so it was unlikely I would play anyway and I was still feeling really tiered. Tori convinced me to take a trip to wal mart with her so we could deck out some cheap t-shirts for a badminton team for the fourth of july bonanza. We managed to get the stuff we needed, some coffee, and then to our basement to start the project when more drama started happening. Apparently my mother opened the door - for what reason I don't know at 8 at night and the dog got out. Initially this was only slightly worrisome since the dog usually gets out and comes back on her own a while later. Our dad informed us that he would check on last time before he and my mother went to bed but if she wasn't here it was our responsibility to make sure she got home - which was fine. About an hour later tori had to go upstairs to get a ruler and called for me to follow her because apparently mom was super worried about the dog being out in the woods at night. That she wouldn't find her way home and that her barking in the distance sounded like she was "in trouble and scared." It took all my effort not to roll my eyes at this since my mom's concern not only seemed over dramatic but "put on" as well. I went out to the porch to whistle a few times and did my part in calling for her explaining to my mom that dogs have a sense of smell and that she would find her way back and that I wasn't going in the woods after her like she asked. She finally gets my dad to do it so he starts walking around in the swamp behind our yard until we can't hear him anymore. My mom insists we keep on whistling while asking stupid questions like "what should she do, should she turn on her car lights, should she go after him, should we go after him" again it all seems very insincere - I feel she was feeling more guilty than concerned and felt she had to show how concerned she was. When dad called and said he had her she walked by me and said something to which I replied "well next time we can handle it a little better" and she replied "I was worried about my dog I hadnled it just fine THANKS.  Which was the proceeded by her taking a tone and being sarcastic to anything my sister and I said - I finally called her on it and my sister agreed to which she gave her whole "this is my voice" speech insisting she wasn't taking a tone and that we obviously didn't know her as well as we thought we did.  She then insisted that it was "open season" to criticize her all the time - at which I laughed pointing out how she NEVER said anything about me and tori and she replied that she was allowed as the mother and that it wasn't a two way street.  I insisted I was an adult and didn't need to be criticized constantly under the umbrella of parenthood.  "I'm going to keep talking in my own house" she insists, "maybe I just have to stop listening then" I reply, "you don't listen anyway" she comes back with and that if I don't like her talking I shouldn't be here.  Which rounded out the conversation with the usual conversation about how I DIDN"T want to be there - "you can go back to florida then in the fall" "that's what I'm aiming at in case you didn't notice"  at which point she laughs and says " no i haven't noticed you doing a thing."  I slam the chair I am sitting on on the porch (so that I can call for dad whenever necessary as he is lost in the woods) and head inside stating that "I don't have to stay out here, I didn't lose the dog" - which lead me down to the basement to update livejournal while my sister stayed helping my parents and we could eventually continue our project.

This turned out to be a much longer post than I anticipated - but essentially what had been an alright set up at home has once again exploded into craziness and I once again clamor for an exit from the insanity that works to keep me in a constant bad mood.  And my mom wonders why I have to take medication...thank god for the computer and it's healing properties right :D

I feel like I am starting off every post recently with how long it's been since my last one...*sigh* and I was so trying to keep on the ball. So now that I have gotten some of my art project dumps out of the way I think it is finally time for a true livejournal update and not some community-based post.

Being home has been a lot less stressful than I originally imagined it would be - while it is definitely not without it's little flareups, my parent's and i seem to be getting along on a more regular basis. I attribute all of this strangely to me not having a job - which inevitably leads to me doing a lot of housework that normally doesn't get done so them coming home from their jobs to a clean house as opposed to their usual coffee messes and disarray caused by getting ready in the morning has put them in better respective moods. And strangely enough when I do get into a fight with my parents it seems to be more with my dad than my mom like normal - she is getting ready for their vow renewal and has a pretty dress and a clean house and a pretty pleasant job so she has been in a very good mood recently. However, my dad is all of a sudden prone to these little flare ups that come in extreme waves and are sudden and unexpected. And I feel like most of the time they stem from him simply not listening to others - it seems he blocks everyone but himself out and then repeats things incessantly. Because of this Tori and I are constantly saying "i know...I know...I Know...I KNOW" and then he gets mad at us for raising our voices and when we call him on his attitude he quickly calms down but denies that it ever even happened. As was always the case with dealing with our parents - the weirdness they exude causes Tori and I to become closer friends and we have pretty much only had eachother to hang out with on a regular basis and have as of yet gotten sick of each other. We talk about getting an apartment together someday because we know we can live together and we are best friends now. But it all depends on what happens this fall I suppose - she is trying to lose weight to go into the air force (I don't know if I have discussed this yet) but I don'tk now how I feel about the situation...I know she is using it as a time to introspect and figure out what she wants to do with her life...but I wonder why she can't do that now with her job that she has and subsequently begin down the path she wants right away as opposed to taking this side step that involves contracts and such. But she really has her mind set on it so I really don't voice my opinion anymore because I want her to be able to get out of the house and be happy.

Her situation, also, makes my plans for the fall seem that much more eminent and scary - I need to fins a place to live and some loan company to take out a loan to pay for school, but first I need a job to pay off my debt so I can be more appealing to a loan company. All the same problems of last year except seemingly more tumultuous and thinking about it makes me feel super overwhelmed and depressed and without a place to start solving the issue I feel - although I know I need to start acting if I want to be able to go in the fall - and I DESPERATELY do.

From my previous posts you can see I have been spending downtime doing art which calms me a lot, but also makes me think of what branch of illustration I really want to go into when I get out of school...so that I can get an internship right away, because if I have to do this whole damn job search to get a measly job out of my field just to pay off my student loans I might get a little broken - as it is I have come down to my last resort and asked tori to get me a job a dunkin donuts - after being oddly eliminated from jobs such as 7-11 and stop and shop. I did have one interview at the purple ape - a surf shop nearby - and it was the first interview I have had that I didn't come out of knowing that I got the job. It was so weird - he was so mellow the whole time that I got the impression that he was just asking the questions out of formality and had judged me upon immediately entering the store that I wasn't some blonde high schooler who he could flirt with all summer.

So while all of this has been getting me down I have been escaping into watching true blood - which has been a weird experience after reading some of the books a long time ago - I have vague memories of plot lines and such and feel like in the books Sookie is portrayed as a much stronger individual and while she shows interest in other men it seems less like in a flippy floppy whiny way that the show portrays it - as is such in the books I usually am inclined towards the sookie/bill relationship - but she is so whishy washy in the show that I cheer more for sam because I feel he is so taken advantage of by her. Subsequently I have started reading the books again and I think my feelings from the show have now seeped into reading since I like it when sookie strays from bill - ESPECIALLY since she leans towards eric a lot more than in the show and I LOVE THAT. Eric and Sam are like my two favorite characters and eric is such a GREAT character in the books that I hope the show stays on track with him...and am kind of now a sookie/eric fan.

I think as a direct result of this and reading right before bedtime this happened..( Pseudo Sexual Personal Suff That You May Be Inclined To Read )

Other than that my days have been pretty boring and purposeless - occasionally I hang out with Summer, Tom, and Shiela with whom I always have a great time but it always seems so short-lived. Although this weekend for the fourth we are having my parent's chowder and clamcakes with the family invited and there is sure to be some games of badminton for which I am truly excited and have been given certain chores to do to prepare for such an event. Before all this though there is supposed to be a friday get together for Summer's Birthday which is tentative do to some drama. On the whole we shall see and maybe with such events this week will start to look up - I have a counseling session tomorrow and now a sweet little dream memory in my bank to pull out whenever I am feeling a little down :D

Lengthy ramblings about the piece to follow - feel free to skip if not interested.

I know this is not the kind of post some of you have been waiting for but I finally finished the painstakingly long piece of dean winchester I was working on. This piece literally took like two months to finish just because parts of it were so intensive I would work on them for a day and then need like a week break from it. As such was the case it got me pretty anxious to finish so I could work on other projects without feeling guilty about not finishing this one - and thus some of the ending bits look rushed - ie the wings, sword, and shield - which were made harder because I couldn't find reference that had the same lighting as the reference of dean and I hate having to make up stuff like I did- REFERENCE IS KEY TO ANY GOOD ART! But at least they are there - I may go back and go another round with them after I have had a seriously long break from this piece.

Piece was referenced (pretty obviously if you ask me) from a season 1 promotional piece; HOWEVER it was NOT A PAINTOVER - no offense to those out there that use this technique but I just can't bring myself to do it without feeling a little dirty :) - although I do tend to color pick sometimes ;). Done fully in Photoshop CS3 - approximate working hours: 6 days.

This is my first time uploading art like this on livejournal, if the usual rules are broken I will be hard-pressed to do it again so I ask that you please - don't hotlink, don't edit, don't steal, and if used for later graphics or such - please ask permission and then credit me. And comments, contructive criticism are mucho appreciated. Thanks.

Without further ado:

I really wanted to save this art dump for when I had finished a rendered piece of dean as an epic angelic warrior; however, life has gotten in the way of finishing that piece in a timely manner so I figured I'd go ahead with it. So here they are - as you can see I have a penchant for dean and typography which is probably really sloppy here *don't hit me graphic designers* but I like to dabble. I am currently setting up a separate deviantart account to accept commissions this summer - but if you're interested before all that is taken care of pm me and we'll see what we can do. Without further ramblings...previews and then more under the cut.






( Saving it for the health club... )

Okay, so about three weeks ago I posted an entry that updated the events that transpired from approximately January to March and promised an update that would bring everyone to date...and then posted another entry reiterating that promise and yet have as of such not done so. This update will attempt to chronicle the happening from April to the present - obviously only covering what I can remember which would probably be the only parts worth mentioning anyway. To everyone who doesn't know the first half of this update - do not worry, that post is marked "family" only and hold little relevance to the events that occurred afterwards.

April is a blur of memories now with the ending of the school year and putting my academic affairs in order. As far as schooling goes I discovered a new love for photoshop that trumped using corel and started experimenting with a style that I would eventually be able to call my own. As far as that goes I believe I have found a style in which to draw; however, the coloring portion still eludes me but progress is being made towards that goal. Some of my projects included a "heaven and hell" diptych, two open assignments, and a history final. All my teachers were really understanding about my absences and I caught up on all of my work except for figure class which I didn't have anything for really and a stocked portfolio was due for the final. I have subsequently spoken to the professor and my academic adviser and convinced them to award me a grade of incomplete and allow me the summer to build up my portfolio and then submit it the first week of school so that I will not have to redo the entire semester next year...which will be awesome.
Things seemed alright on the roommate front, everyone was busy enough with projects to limit the amount of time spent together and thusly we were glad to see each other when we had the time. I spent a lot of time with Joe the entire second semester and am so glad that our friendship is back to how it was last year, even better I believe. Now I feel I can truly call him my best friend in florida and will miss him greatly over the summer. April was the month I began my new obsession with the show "supernatural" although I can't remember exactly how it started...but somewhere among the first couple of episodes I watched I found myself falling in love with Jensen Ackles' character: Dean Winchester. I have subsequently downloaded all the episodes and a couple of really weird movies he has been in and hope to see "My Bloody Valentine 3D" soon. Through it all Joe was the one guy I could vent my obsession to and he put up with it really well, submitting to my forcing him to watch hours of the show while we did homework together.

After school officially ended (complete with an surprise hug from my illustration professor,) I had two days to pack up all of my stuff and cram it into my car for the ride back up to rhode island. I managed the packing pretty well and was still able to see out of my rear window while driving so all in all awesome; however, car trouble struck once again as I found a note on my car pointing out the huge nail that was in one of the rear tires. So half of the money my dad sent me for gas to get to him in tampa was used in getting that repaired. All of my friends and I had a end of school gathering at our Mem's Bar and I went even though the cash wasn't there because I wanted to see everyone for a farewell...it ended up being more offputting then anything as Cheryl and Jeff had drank that whole afternoon in celebration and thusly went home early after being kind of withdrawn for the two hours they spent with us. Joe had had a huge fight with his girlfriend a couple hours before about him changing plans to hang out with us instead of going to visit her, so he was then obligated to leave and couldn't even come. A fact that would have only been slightly upsetting if it weren't for his girlfriend pointing out that he would be hanging out with people he didn't even think considered him friends. Which I know hit some insecurties he had about jeff and cheryl and which were only half true in the sense that they still liked to hang out with him, just not when he was with his girlfriend. And it hurt me to see him so upset and the fact that his girlfriend was pulling cards like that which were bellow the belt in my opinion and were problems which were mostly there only because of her presence. Regardless I went out and hung out with Nick and Maryanne most of the night which was super enjoyable because I feel like the three of us have definately become close friends this semester and it was good to have the chance to say goodbye to them, if I only got to hang out with them for a little while. And for some reason I think the fact that there was no karaoke going on subdued the mood a little as well.

The night before picking my dad up I stayed with Cheryl and Johnny up in St. Pete in order for a quick pick up of my dad in the morning. We really didn't do anything except grab a drink and a bite to eat and then chill at home watching bill and ted's excellent adventure which was fun after not having seen it for awhile. Everyone crashed fairly early and I said my goodbyes to everyone before we went to bed. I felt that living together for the past year had maybe changed the relationship I had with Cheryl and Jeff and little bit, Joe as well, but definitely for the better. While Cheryl, Jeff, and I seemed to have witnessed more of each other than we had previously been admitted to and while it made for some great times it had it's weird moments too. So the non eventful goodbyes I got from them were clouded by my self consciousness - did Jeff not hug me like he normally does because this year had been weird? Did my laundry smell from trying to save money? Or was he just not in the "goodbye for summer" frame of mind since both cheryl and joe would still be with him for the entire summer? Cheryl was more understood, we rarely have crazy girl moments, and we exchanged the usual pleasantries, the fact that she messaged me the other day to check in was comforting in a maintaining friendship kind of way...a luxury I don't think I have with jeff since he is anti telephone and since we both are kind of quiet around each other most of the time I think our relationship will revert back to one of close acquaintances next year when we are not living together but just seeing each other at the bar and such. Something I am only slightly upset about, but nothing that I didn't see coming or that will have a huge detrimental effect on me.

The next morning I woke up early and drove the half hour to tampa to pick up my dad and thusly began the 24 hour drive back up to Rhode Island. The trip ended up being pretty noneventful and mellow - my dad and i mostly just listening to comedy on my ipod and making very few stops along our journey. Once back up in Rhode Island I immediately began my job search which has of yet to bear fruit. One night my first week back my mom sat down with me and pointed out all the things in my life that needed fixing which subsequently caused a mini-breakdown on my part and I ended up opening up to my mom in a way that I felt hadn't happened before. I grasped at ways to explain to her a lot of the issues I had been talking to a psychologist about and I think the enormity of it all caught her off guard. She has always held a slight disbelief of mental illnesses, thinking they were personal problems that were being embellished as an excuse or a show of weakness. But I think throwing all of how my mind worked at her at once kind of shocked her into the realization that it was more than that. Of course being unprepared for such a shock left my mother fumbling for a way that would make things better, knowing that all of it was out of her reach to heal. Her first words were asking me if I needed to spend time in Butler which I promptly refuted, not because the idea hadn't occurred to me as a solution, but mostly because I couldn't afford the time or the pressure on my parents and their bank account. Once convinced of my disapproval of that plan my mom reverted back to what she knew, which was blunt problem facing, the fast transition to which caused a slight glich in my brain - like she was going back to disregarding my mental problems. But I know that that is just how she deals with things, and even though it was not what I wanted to hear, nor what would help me at that moment, that was how it was going to be.

Since then I have seen a psychiatrist who has put me on copious amounts of drugs which seem to be working fabulously with the one side effect of knocking me completely unconscious for 12 hours after taking them. I have as of yet made an appointment with the psychologist to actually discuss and tackle my issues although I am kind of looking forward to an appointment since some new information came to light while talking to my psychiatrist which I think I will save from going into more depth until further information comes to light. In the same vein of doctor's appointments I also had a checkup with my primary care physician to discuss my PCOS and got the feeling that she wasn't familiar enough with it to actually help me deal with it since I had to tell her about the treatments I was interested in and even then she was dismissive and floundering. She did mention that my liver enzymes were high when I had them checked around Christmas so she scheduled more blood work. During the course of the check up I complained of hearing my heatbeat a lot in my left ear and she had a nurse come in to flush my ears. A procedure which essentially consists of a large plastic syringe injecting like 4 oz. of hydrogynge peroxide and water directly into your ear. SUPER UNCOMFORTABLE if she did it only once, except she did my left ear like 5 times without a break in between...super not fun...but bearable. She then began to do the same with my left ear, the one I hadn't even been complaining of and she only managed to get half of one syringe through when it felt like someone was stabbing my ear canal with shiscabob skewers directly into my brain. It hurt so much I immediately started screaming, which then broke down into crying, and then I threw up. She appologized profusely and the doctor took a look at my ear but could find nothing wrong and they wanted to continue the proceedure - at which point I told them to go fuck themselves and left. I then had to get my blood drawn and finally got home where I laid down feeling like I had a major ear infection all day. (It has now been two weeks since that appointment and not only can I not totally hear out of that ear but it keeps draining every night...gross).

That brings the update to the end of last week - as I am now burnt out and being called for dinner I find this a good place to stop and will relay this weeks accounts possibly tonight or tomorrow and that will put me back on track for a good updating schedule.

I realize that I have yet to fulfill my updating requirements by submitting the first half of my epic story and not the second. The truth is that the first took a lot out of me and then when I was ready to update again it seemed that finals were upon me and I had to pack and get ready to get the fuck out of dodge. Now my stuff is packed, my car is stuffed, and I am so sweaty I need to take a two hour shower. After I clean myself up I am staying the night in Tampa so it is easier to grab my dad and go in the morning so it seems that I have run out of time to perform an adequate update continuing my new promised trend of updates. However - consider this but an intermission for upon my return to Rhode Island I plan to finish the previous update as well as keep a more regular schedule so look forward to that in approximately three days time :D Hopefully along with the summer's updates will come more fanart since I'll have nothing else to do *yay*.

*Side note* SOOOO upset that I am going to be on the road for this weeks episode of supernatural - for the record I think Dean's right in kicking Sam's ass - the dude knew what he was doing was wrong and still did it while maintaining a constant whine throughout the whole ordeal - your life is all because of Dean...maybe do something with it? Also I think all the "crazy" sequences they showed in the preview are hallucinations brought on by withdrawal and thusly the only part I am REALLY desperate to see is the whole "Dean accepting his part on behalf of God and his angels" that shit is epic! So there. PPS - look back at my entries...I was totally right about Izzy Stevens.

So I made a promise with steadfast determination to fulfill said promise...and got distracted by creating my own livejournal layout. *sigh* I promised my one and only faithful reader that I would post tonight after finishing my modern art final and totally did not pull through...except for this post - which is pitiful when compared to the vast amount of updating I have to do (and was promised). However - if you are so inclined to see the fruits of my distracted efforts take a look at the pic under the cut:

( what is and what should never be )

I know the text seems impossible to read but that's only because I zoomed out to take the picture - and you're not reading it anyway - I am - and my eyes are good enough...for now.
Long story short - I am super sorry that I only partially fulfilled my promise and am now extending another promise that since I only have two classes tomorrow I will DEFINITELY post when I get back! *pinkie swear* Comments regarding the layout are much appreciated since it was my first go and was a little something that allowed me to be creative and yet take a break from homework for awhile. TOMORROW - I SWEAR.

So job thing has still sucked - seriously why is nobody calling me back?
School thing has gotten a little better - my Media project is going well, I am way ahead on this illustration assignment - although Greenburg did flat out tell me that he was dissapointed in the last couple of projects I produced (I hate "dissapointed" it stings so much worse than anything else) and he asked me to bring in my previous work from other classes so he could see what was up. I am thinking that I am going to ask that we do this in his office rather than an "end of class" thing in the room so I can really tell him what's going on - not as an excuse but more of a heads up "I'm dissapointed in my work too right now, I know I can do better...I am trying my hardest" I don't want special treatment I just want a little understanding so he doesn't think I am just a slacker or something.
Been extremely tiered lately with a little bit of a sore throat which worries me because it is getting close to spring break which is inevitabley the time of year I practically drop dead for a week and there is a range of illness traveling around school right now from mono to a death flu.
Tomorrow I would like to make some more headway with internship applications and then see if the dunkin donuts across the street is hiring yet since the gas station is open.
I have the crazy desire to watch RENT recently - don't know how that came over me - but I am so worn out I just can't get into watching a movie.
Our figure teacher sprung a bunch of extra work on us randomly - here's a class where we never have homework and now that we are halfway through the semester he wants two outside paintings and a sketchbook - blah - the paintings don't bother me as much as the sketchbook. I was doing some thumbnails of what I wanted to do for one of them and came up with this http://warisheck.deviantart.com/art/Self-Portrait-Thumbnail-114165404 which made me laugh so hard that I think I might take it to finish.
Strange things have been happening with friends lately - last Friday was the first time me and cheryl had spoken in a couple of days but we were so busy that we only were able to have a five minute conversation about her work and then marzapan - I said how delicious it looked but how crappy it tasted and she blatantly was like "Whatever it looks delicious" in a disregaurding what I was saying kind of way - so I said whatever (literally) and took a nap while she went to class and then out to the bar - I was outside smoking when she came home and heard her accidentally trip her car alarm so when she came to the door I jokingly said "slick" and she yelled "Really are you going to say nothing positive to me today - you've been negative all day" To which I had no time to reply because she slammed the door in my face. Needless to say that bothered me A LOT - I have already been going through a hard time but doing my best not to dump it on people and she has the audacity to explode on me like that after I had said two words to her the whole day? What really bothered me was the whole storming thing - becuase if you have something to say to me just say it but at least give me a chance to defend myself or find out more don't unload while running away. I was so angry we didn't speak for another week until today she asked if I wanted to come up to St Pete this weekend with Jeff, Trevor, her, and her boyfriend - which I thought was really nice and puts into perspective that me and cheryl are really similar and tend to just let things mellow rather than confront them but I was still a little angry about the incident and have no spending money right now so even though she kept trying to say that there would be no need for money I know that there would be at least a bar trip if not a dinner out and that I can't do right now - but I am trying to keep my money problems on the dl this semester since I leaned so heavily on them last semester I odn't want them thinking I am a mooch.
This whole thing has got me thinking about housing next year - where I really like Jeff and Cheryl and consider them best friends I don't know if I can live with them again just because they tend to express there emotions so passive agressively that it makes me dwell on how I caused their bad mood or something and consequently puts me in a bad mood. And since I secretly know that they don't want to live with joe next year I told him that we should find a place - the places I was looking at were pretty nice and sharring would mean only like 300 bucks a month...drawbacks include his messiness and his livein girlfriend; however the girlfriend I don't mind as long as I have a place to escape and if she's there long enough she contributes to the house - the messieness I plan to put forth as an ultamadum - I really only have two conditions for a roommate - keep the common areas clean and do your dishes within an hour after eating. (Has to be done in florida or roaches are had) These issues will be brought up during a big roommate discussion and I have already breached the subject of getting the master bedroom just so I can have my own bathroom which he was totally fine with so sounds like a plan so far.
Lastly weirdness happened the other day on Pancake Day (oh yeah - went to pancake day and had my fill of free pancakes for every meal that day) Round three I went with Trevor who I had heard from Jeff had been having a hard time lately...his ex wife is getting remarried and he is alone in his house without a girlfriend and such and he hasn't hung out lately so we are trying to get him to come out more. Trevor and I have always been like brother and sister - snidely making fun of the other one all the time with no sexual tension or attraction to the other and I feel we really bonded over pancakes with him talking about his bad day (which I know was really hard for him since he likes to appear all manly) so I opened up to him too to make it easier for him and there was no awkwardness just a stronger friendship. The weirdness came when he asked what I was doing for spring break and when I said hanging around here he invited me up to okala to spend the week with him and his parents. Originally I thought this was an empty kind of offer - much like me inviting him to thanksgiving dinner and such - something you do when you know your friend is going to be alonish. But later I recieved a text from him saying that his mother said it was okay. The weird part of this all is that it is unlike trevor to offer such a thing - he likes his alone time - and while I don't really want to go (I need my alone time too, I wanted to focus on art and job stuff and get recentered, and jeff would be in the house all alone,) I feel bad declining since I know it is out of his character to offer. I don't want to discourage him from being more open. Sigh.
Huh what started as a quick update turned into a long rant - sorry. I think I'm done though.

Gah - so needless to say the past couple of weeks have been super bad - I'm not going to get into the specifics or anything but suffice it to say that the result of which was a miniature breakdown. I went to the school therapist and an email was sent out to all my professors getting me some excused absences. Thusly I was bombarded by "are you okays" and such the following day like they expected me to talk about it with them. The worst part is though I don't feel like I've fully recovered and it's just a matter of time before I lose it again. I'm taking my medication which leaves me all fuzzy brained most of the time - I am out looking for jobs everywhere and noone is calling me back - I am trying SO FREAKIN HARD right now to stay ontop of everything and I feel my art is falling to the wayside - case in point - my illustration teacher last week asked me how well I did when I needed to "prove" myself - essentially saying that I needed to prove myself to him - he also added in that the only thing my past ill teacher had to say about me was that I could try harder. FUCK - so that messed me up all day and then this last project we were working on I was trying really hard but I still feel like I am in kidn of a rut so I started it like 7 times in different media and styles and finally had to settle on a more detailed vector due to time constraints. I stayed up all night and I didn't think it looked half bad - hanging it up on the wall this morning it certainly wasn't the worst one up there. AND YET I got CREAMED in critique. Noone else was saying anything and he just sat there and ripped it apart aout not looking finished, straying from my previous drawing, the fact that thefigures were all wearing plain t's and not bloodied up - just bullshit things. He said it essentially came down that he doesnt see me showing any interest in my work and that I need to try harder to really stick with an idea and develop it. It was so bad that I think my fellow classmates were stunned into silence - except one girl who felt it necessary to give me a pep talk about media while I stood in front of the whole class. BUT SERIOUSLY there were other pieces up there that took a fraction of the time mine took, drawings that were horrible, color schemes that were ridiculous and he LOVED those pieces. If this is an instance of pushing me further because I have potential I am fucking sick of it - and if not then I don't know what to do - I mean I know this whole year has been really dissapointing for me art wise but I still put up half decent shit. I guess I just need a little coddling right now so that I have something positive to get me jump started. I need a project to feel good about right now.

I can't sleep at night - for the first time in years I have nightmares and wake up to never fall back asleep. The only peace I have is putting my headphones on full blast to drown out reality. I have never felt this extent of hopelessness and the only ones who know are my family and their willingness to help makes it that much worse. I was actually physically ill this afternoon after talking with my parents - their kindness makes me feel that much more worthless. I missing something - some vital piece that makes dealing with things easier. Who the fuck knows who I really am - it's all an act - even I don't know what the fuck I'm like.

Don't reply to this - I don't want to hear it.

This update is more because I can - I don't really have a lot of new things to talk about: commence listing action:

- had only two days of class this week after a five day break after one week of school after winter vacation - my new schedule ROCKS!
- went to the new illustration class this morning and it was hilarious! The teacher was great and that made the rest of the class much less doochey like in all the other classes. I got my first assignment which is to do a portrait of a celebrity without showing their face - I know you are all thinking that I would jump on the NPH bandwagon here but I want to save him for something where I can actually draw HIM. So instead I am doing Gordon Ramsey from Hell's Kitchen because there is a lot of interesting symbols that I can use for a devilishly british chef like himself - that's right I'm doing a kitchen ON FIRE with the floor leading to HELL and his sillhouette in the middle comprised of swear words...lots of fun layers I foresee - I am just excited to get back in the drawing buisness.
- Also had Advanced Media again today where the whole calss was just going over thumbnails of ideas we had for a pen and ink piece where we had to include a man, a pet, and a machine. Out of the eight ideas we had to have my professor really liked two and let me choose between the two of them - one of was night scene looking down on a guy on a balcony looking through a homemade telesccope that a bird was looking through at him through the other end. The second idea is the one I think I am going to go with - it's a simple crowded subway car scene with everyone minding their own business except for the center girl who is seriously creeped out by the strange creature "ahhhing" at her from the lap of the guy next to her - should be fun.
- Yesterday my stomach hurt so bad that I left figure early - but only by an hour so I still have a painting to show for it...I am telling you I am liking that class more and more - the fact that I went at all with the pain I was going through speaks volumes.
- I also went to my history of modern art class and last night was Dali knight where we watched a movie he collabed with hitchcock on which was INCREDIBLEY sexist - lines like "psha you know there more depraved than a woman's mind when she is in love" were prevelent throughout. BUT then we watched a second film that was just a dali documentary that was both very sad and HILARIOUS. Mostly because of his mental illness and how people were actual doing live reinactments of his paintings "This is the sacrifical fish from the medeterraean people!" Awesome.
- Been going straight to my room lately - don't know why but I am incredibly bored with the living room life here at our house right now - mostly because it comprises of watching other people play video games which I don't hate I am just getting bored of. Which is sad because just when I think it is okay to come out everyone is going to bed.
-going over grammy debbie's tomorrow before she leaves for ri again...mixed feelings since I don't want to go out to eat or anything and the past couple of visits have been kind of dull.
- Lots of movies I want to see out right now but I am on a whole download movies and television craze right now since I got my harddrive and it saves me monies so I'll probably just catch them online.
- Jeff's hero clicks came in which means I am up for a smackdown this weekend.


- I am struck lately with wanting to be a recluse who lives in a house in the woods with lots of huge canopy windows on the second floor overlooking the treeline just working on art all day and blasting my music. I know I would get bored fast but I want a larger space to myself and I am once again being forced to look at that ugly trait of mine where I start nitpicking everyone I associate with and find excuses not to be around them. I still love everyone I just feel I am the kind of person who can only handle socializing in small doses which is a really bad trait to have probably. It has to do with that circular logic of "nobody really knows me" "you can't show anyone how you really feel" kind of deal - psychosis is awesome yeah? Anyway - this post is riddled with spelling errors that I am too lazy to fix right now in a lame attempt at some sleep hope you have enjoyed this crack post.

So yesterday I actually got my illustration class switched! It was tedious since the advisor just said I had to go talk to the two professors involved and so I did - got back and then she handed me the paper that they had to sign so I had to track them and the department head down - but then she actually switched and starting next week I'll be in Jason Greenburg's class - this wicked cool teacher who I am already on good terms with since he and cheryl/jeff/joe had him alst semester and became friends with him enough that we've hung out a few times. This change in my schedule also means that I will no longer have any classes on tuesdays and fridays - hopefully this will make it easier to get a job since my schedule is WIDE open now.

The new portable hd my parents got me for xmas is like a saving grace in times of fangirlness as well as computer work - I have since transferred all my itunes info on there as well as any videos that were on my computer - thereby opening up my computer's memory so that artwork is faster and allowing me the space to download whatever media i want pertaining to whatever my latest obsession is - and then move it over to my hd since that thing has practically unlimited space - 500gb - that's like 6x what my laptop has :D.

Other than that my neck still hurts and has started giving me headaches - reasons to get past it: I've got to go out job hunting again this weekend, I have to do 20 thumbnails for illustration, I have to clean my room, I have to do 8 thumbnails for Media. Here goes.

I've been having trouble sleeping lately...gone to sleep around 6 the past three days and had to wake up for class sometime between 8 and 11...I am feeling more and more anxious about nothing in particular - just this general feeling of impending stress or something...my neck has been stiff for two weeks now to the point where I can't sit without my head resting on something...but i did get a good critique on my first advanced media assignment...and am in love with nph...I just want to sleep for a really really really long time...here's a random meme stolen from summer, stolen from someone else...

look up the following things at urbandictionary.com and write what the definition is:

1: your name (Nicole)
a.awesome person that is often imitated but never duplicated.
b.pretty much the most awesome person you will ver hope to meet. many people try to be as balla as nicole's but in many cases to not suceed.nicoles are pretty awesome and pretty much the greatest thing sience...EVER! many people hope to be nicole but never are because shes a ballaholic!
c.(Noun)
1. An individual who is described as funny, enduring, and charming.
2. A female who enjoys eating grapes and partaking in the ritual of laughter at the same time.

2: your age (22)
1) A .22 caliber handgun
2) Any rim that measures 22 inches in size
3) Slang term used for women to let you know they are prostitutes.

1) Don't tote no 22's
2) Magnum cost me 22, sat it on them 22's
3) Lil mama super thick, she say she 22

3. a friend (cheryl)
a.
A person of true beauty. A girl with such a kind personality that anyone will simply fall in love with. A Cheryl will help anyone out without hesitation. They have trusting blue eyes and large bussoms.
b.A compromise..
A girl with a kind personality who will poop on your windshield if you get on her bad side

4. what you should be doing (sleeping)
a.To masturbate furiously in your room while praying that your grandma doesn't come in.
b. a mystical kind of magic which sends u to an alternate plane of existence in which the magical gremlins give u pro plus
c. Taking too much time to hit an L or joint, hitting it too many times/holing it for too long.

5: Favorite Color (blue)
(a lot of long definitions but essentially-) a color lying between green and purple, being sad, an umpire, the police.

6. Birthplace: - South Kingstown, RI
South Kingstown is a coastal community in Southern Rhode island. Unlike North Kingstown, which is full of really rich white kids who want more than anything to be considered "hood," South Kingstown is full of hippes. This may sound like a bad thing, but when you're looking for some bomb ass chronic, SK is the place to be.
According to the FBI, South Kingstown consumes the 10th largest amount of marijuana per capita out of every county in the United States. Put that in your pipe and smoke it, NK.

good times all around

So the first week of school has started and here's what happened so far...

Monday I had Advanced Media with one of my favorite teachers; however, it is an open class for juniors and seniors and I got in the class with mostly seniors which kind of sucks since yo ucan tell they totally have the attitude that they know more and I am kind of dreading how I might flip out in critiques...but our professor I think saw this coming to and said that it's the juniors that keep the seniors honest since we don't have to worry about our thesis or anything we tend to do better work and he won't stand for it...we'll see how it goes. I already have a 8x10 pen and ink self portrait of myself due on thursday with some kind of food in the picture...still don't know what my concept is going to be.
I then had figure painting which was just being continued from last semester although I don't hate it anymore - it took me a good hour to get back into painting mode but mostly I enjoy the time since I tend to crank my music and just zone out with being artsy.

Last night Ed came over and randomly gave me a christmas gift which was weird cuz I hadn't seen him in like a year...he gave me two little potc figurines which are kind of awkward looking but the sentiment is great. Then joe, jeff and I got back into our soul calibur/rock band groove - I went undefeated in soul calibur...then we went outside, smoked a little, and hilarity ensued. Jeff kept rubbing his nipples until me and joe called him on it, we decided as a group to make popular the phrases "suit up (from how i met your mother) and "we're burning daylight/the midnight oil" (depending on the time of day). I don't know if i have mentioned this in my journal or not yet but there is a black widow chilling in our outside window frame and Jeff took a violent smash at it but then we couldn't find it which was weird since we didn't see it fall or anything - sure enough not a half hour later it is back where it normally is...SPOOKY GHOST VENOMOUS SPIDER. We eventually were laughing so hard at our antics that a passing black dude made fun of us from the other side of the fence - when we didn't respond he shouted "your mom sucks donkey dick" jeff replied "yeah and she makes good money at it - who are you to judge" so hilarity continued.

Today I got up early to go to illustration which I had super high hopes for since I heard we were doing more static illustrations this year and I really want to do that. Sure we are doing static illustrations - in the span of three hours - he is randomly going to assign us stuff which we have three hours to finish including concept, sketches, everything...*ghei* but that i could deal with if it wasn't for the next hour where a student suggested we go to disney world for a day...and the teacher actually bit...and upped it to two days...and made it mandatory (although not technically a school trip so we could "have more fun") so essentially I would be paying 150$ plus hotel plus gas to hang out with people I don't like and doodle in my sketchbook a little...not what i was looking for in an illustration class. I spoke to the registar today to see about changing it and am starting the process.

My doctor's office called AGAIN making an appointment for me AGAIN even though I had a conversation with the same woman not four days ago telling her i was in florida.

Still no word on a job :(

Does anyone else think that with his goggles on Dr. Horrible makes NPH look a lot like Gordon Ramsey? It's the spikey hair and forehead wrinkles I think. I'll leave you with that.

and anyone who hasn't checked out Mitchell Davis on Youtube (official videos are under the username livelavalive) should do so immediately - that kid is hilarious in a fun random, normal, I can relate, kind of way - DO IT.

So today I discovered "Dr. Horrible's Sing-a-long Blog." Summer recommeded it to me a while ago but I just now got around to it...again...and again...and again. I must have watched it five times today - I pretty much am Dr. Horrible and am fairly certain that if it were possible to be a super villian without a CSI or FBI team kicking down my door I totally would choose that as a career.

Funny too that I chose to watch this on the day of the night that NPH hosts SNL - I didn't watch though - I also discovered How I Met Your Mother and that he's gay *which was kind of cool and sad at the same time*

Discovered that I am super more poor than I thought - have applications pending at Best Buy, Borders, and Dunkin' - please god give me a job soon I can feel panic attacks rising.

On a more personal note the doctor finally called back with my test results - well...the doctor answered the phone when I called angrily wanting my test results - I was told that the tests yielded some unusual results and my doctor would call me back. Then there was the two days waiting and on Friday it was confirmed that I have PCOS. Not a big deal but mixed feelings are abound - like "cool - now I kind of have a reason why I am fat and hairy and can take appropriate steps that are specific to fixing my problems" but at the same time "woah - I just had a first test result come back positive...you never expect a test result come back positive so now I don't feel safe in assuming that all the possible effects of PCOS won't happen to me now - if i could have this then i could eventually have diabetes and infertility" Over-reacting I know but stuff that just entered my mind on first inspection - sad note is that my doctor is just kind of dropping me saying that she can't give medical advice over the phone and that as soon as I get a doctor down here then she can give them the medical information. *ghei* But as a positive this has started getting me to really think about my weight and force a close examination of what I eat. Tori and I have started a weight loss challenge with mom paying out 20 bucks to each week's winner and 250 to the winner at the end of march ! shabang :D I really do wanna get in shape though - recent pictures of me have been looking rougher and rougher and I really want this year to be better than the last so I need the positive thinking to get me through.

SO yeah...dr. horrible...awesome

...well, the last time of the year apparently. More specifically it's that time of year where I become sick of Rhode Island - it comes faster and faster each visit. This was my shortest visit ever and it still has come to a depressing and frustrating end. Here's the visit in review:

I came home on the 18th - was labeled a "security special" in the airport which caused xray pictures to be taken and escorts to be escorting but the actual flight wasn't bad and I arrived in ri a mere 12 hours before RI received 3 feet of snow - glorious in a very sarcastic way - seeing the dog was the most exciting thing for the first couple of days. I herd less grief about hanging out with Summi late this year - mom was adapting a "let's try not to be like grammy debbie and back off a little bit" policy. Then of course issues on my appearance came into effect and my mmom was constant letting comments slide about my weight and the lovely hair that likes to grow on my face :( and so I called to make a doctor's appointment about it all but they had no openings during the time I was home. I settled for a hair appointment which I really love although not the hair stylist so much. Christmas went alright - family events seemed more exhausting this year - more fake and more stingy. Christmas morning I got a portable harddrive, 50$, a wallet, and four five dollar movies from wal mart. Tori got me a sweatshirt and summer got me some neat copic colors. tom got me a sherrilyn kenyon book and two 15$ gift certificates - one to fye and the other to itunes - I traded the fye in for another itunes so now I can buy a whole season of tv :D. I still have a bag of presents and xmas cards which I swore to myself that I would gloriously mail out to everyone this year and then never got around to it. Hung out with Summer, Tom, and Sheila with some singstar and apples to apples action. We roleplayed a couple of nights ago - and although I think our characters had great potential the session kind of deflated due to the general tierdness of the group - we are no longer all on that stay up late schedule. I tried getting together with kelsey but she seems to have developed more on the one trait that I don't like about her which is her leaning towards laziness in making plans. I pushed them back three times now; half because of actual reasons, and half because I am afraid that the time has finally come where kelsey and I have become different and have drifted without knowing it - if this is the case I will have not one single friend left from high school. I have noticed that dad has been getting in worse and worse moods as well - I don't know if it's because he's alone a lot more or the dog or having no mom buffer but he just gets mad about so many little things now - to the point of throwing things at me and such (examples would be not taking out the dog before I was leaving to go somehwere even though I had taken her out every other time that day, not running around to catch the dog when loose, falling asleep in the car and therefore not bringing groceries in when he got out) Monday morning we went to the DMV so that me and tori could get licenses renewed and then promptly left without them due to the fact that dad didn't want to miss his golf game. On the way home the doctor's office called and had an opening for a hour from them - so I went and met my new doctor Dr. Gross - who was super nice and pleasant enough to talk to when she wasn't trying to over explain things. She said my breathing was fine and that I was super flexible and then we talked about getting checked for PCO and numerous tests were ordered. I got out of a tetnis shot which was nice. What I failed to mention was that before this my father told my mother that I now had a doctors appointment. She felt compelled to call THREE TIMES before I went - the first two to "make sure I knew what I needed to talk to the doctor about, did I need to write it down, did she need to CALL THE DOCTOR AND LET HER KNOW" my god - for someone who keeps bragging that they are so independent from their children you think you could let a 22 year old breath a little bit. The third call was to apologize which I took very robotically - this whole "I'm going to be crazy and half insult you a lot and then apologize for it later by saying it's just because I care" is getting SUPER OLD and reminicent of that abusive cycle they used to talk about in high school. Today was the blood work which went really well and fast with pleasant women doing the drawing blood - minimal pain and bruising - then the ultrasound for PCO which was in a really upscale private facility that reminded me of those cancer treatment centers that have nice furniture and such. Having never gotten an ultrasound before it was a nice experience - the gel was warm the lights were dim - all in all very relaxing except for the part where I had to drink two bottle of water two hours before and not go the bathroom. But again - the woman was very nice. The went straight to my dentist's appointment which yielded a good report except for some extra tarter and gums that need healing after the DH got a hold of them. Got home and hung with tori until Mom came home and immediately asked how the doctors visit went - and I told her exactaly what I wrote here plus the times and days when I can get the results since they weren't read at the appointment. ten minutes later she shouts from our kitchen where she is sitting with my father to me in the living room where I am sitting with my sister - "DID THEY DO A STOMACH ULTRASOUND OR A VAGINAL" "MOM" I say exasperately which is enough for her to pretend to talk to herself and be like "what oh - because he's here oh" which was a factor but mostly because I gave her all the information she needed to know why she constantly has to press these issues I don't know. Half hour later dad is gone but tori is still there and she starts asking even more personal questions and repeating stuff I already told her. At which point I say - you don't need to know. SHE FLIPS OUT saying that I am so selfish and that its just becvause she cares about me and that I have no problem asking her to cosign loans (which is her favorite thing to hold against me nowadays) While she is yelling this I am practically laughing - I just shake my head and tell her she is such a hypocrite and repeat back her mantra of not being overbearing and she doesn't allow me to finish and just keeps repeating the same things getting louder and louder with my selfishness being her main theme. I am still shaking my head and totally calm about the situation until she directly starts to insult me - insults that I am not going to repeat here because they hurt a lot - but she said them intentially attacking me - at which point I snapped and flipped out reminding her that it was in fact her selfishness that caused her to ignore my comfort when talking about certain things and blatantly discussing them infront of other people (not to mention disucssing them with outside family members) and that I did answer he medical questions the first time she asked and that she can ask them over and over again but the answers don't change and she already knows everything. It's like she asks about the stuff that doesn't really matter in regards to the diagnosis just to make me feel uncomfortable - no - more to prove that she is super comfortable with talking about it. gah. I would so be at the mems right now if I were in florida. Tomorrow I need to clean and pack and possibly visit with kelsey - friday I call and get my test results and possible medication and then am going back home finally. Once home I am going to try to find a job at borders or something and just keep it through the summer - I already told my parents in all seriousness before this fight happened that I probably wasn't coming home this summer - there's no point. Although I will miss Tori and Summi.
On another depressing note - although the patriots had an awesome record and won their game last weekend - becuase baltimore and miami won they don't get into the playoffs. The NFL is broken up kind of retardedly at the moment - all the great teams arein the AFC East - so four teams with lower records than the patriots are in the playoff because of their divison's spot holdings. three other teams share the patriots record and are in the playoffs - dumb. What's REALLY SAD is that if miami had lost - patriots would have been the AFC champions - that the difference between a championship and elimination is in the hands of a game you are not even in is retarded.

anyway - long story short - florida ho!

Yesterday cleaned my room and made my christmas cards - Today I unpacked the rest of my stuff from moving and now have to clean my room again whilst packing. I hope to get to my car today as well - that shit has needed some cleaning for a long time coming. Tori and I talked on the phone for an hour last time and tenative plans were made for her to come stay with me for an undisclosed period of time in florida again this year which I really hope happens - I love my house and my roommates I want to share them with EVERYONE!

Was talking to Summi online last night while browsing the internet and happened to see a link for the Wolverine trailer so I started watching it and then saw GAMBIT and flipped out in my room. Cheryl was in the other room and started panicking at my screams - she thought there was a spider or something I was screaming so much and I had to explain to her the awesomeness of what had just happened. I knew Gambit was going to be in the movie but from the previews it looks like he has a major part *SQUEEEEEE* I am so excited - absolutely cannot wait. Only sad part is that it comes out in May which is like our busiest time due to finals...goddamn it.

Trevor came over to say goodbyes today and out of the blue picked me up a neck massaging pillow for my flight becuase he knows I don't like to fly - he got cheryl a foot massager that looks like two dogs hugging your feet - all in all very sweet and cute. Good thing I had an extra MP3 dock to give him (i had already planned on this but it was a relief that it was there because his gift was totally unexpected)

Did some xmas shopping this morning - roommates and tori are officially taken care of - now on to family.

Well - got to do stuff:
-clean
-pack
-shower
-car
-mems
-sleep
-gram's
-ride w/ cheryl
-flight

So I am on day three of official vacation time - although the first two days didn't really feel like vacation - friday night my whole house was gone so I went out with my secondary friends to the bar and it wasn't nearly the same - it made me all homesicky for my normal pubcrawlers. Saturday was good - me and cheryl watched movies all day with pizza - it was am much needed deflation period. Horton Hears a Who was HILARIOUS - just youtube horton and katie and you will see why. Sunday however; not so great, me and cheryl were chilling again until a bad phonecall from her boyfriend called for some serious drinking time which I wasn't really in he mood for but was happy to go for cheryl who had listened to all my petty drama the entire semester. Apparently she and her boyfriend have been on the rocks lately but she has been getting stronger and ok with the fact that she'll be okay if they break up - friday was the big talk and they decided to stick it out and then sunday she gets a call with a confession that he got drunk and kissed another girl the night before. It was really rough to be cheryl's only outreach at that point because I never know what to say when someone is so down - I am usually the great "now that you are ready to kick ass and get logical" kind of confidant. but again - I was happy to try for cheryl and i could tell she appreciated what I had to say and it is very true that she has made a lot of progress this semester with becoming stronger and doing things for herself and realizing what she wants in life - and there was a pure moment during our sunday conversation where i truly thought she got it - she was ready to move on - let me help her grab her shit from his place, etc. etc. and then today she was talking with him perfectly fine again. She still says that they aren't together but now its "she needs time to get over it" which I have never been able to comprehend - but at least she is saying that it's he that's going to have to work hard that she isn't activly seeking it. I just worry because of the way my mind thinks I guess - while I am torn on the whole kissing issue as to how big a deal that would actually be for me (can't know until it happens to me) I feel that for this to happen at a time when they were already rocky and she was already so ready to be okay with ending the relationship - why is it even worth it at that point. I don't know - and I guess I won't until I really love someone or am in that kind of realitonship I guess. GAH - hope one comes soon :D

Batteries dying so quick catchup:
-confessed to cheryl about weird Jeff dream and she says that everyone in your dream is you and that it could have something to do with getting drunk more often
-tomorrow print out xmas cards, pick up last stuff at laurens, clean room and start packing
-wednesday - finish packing and cleaning, final prep work before home, maybe some online xmas shopping
thursday - drop car of at gram's in the morning and then fly back to ri
-friday - pick up tori from college get the tour and all that

SUMMER MAYBE WE SHOULD SINGSTAR THURSDAY OR FRIDAY NIGHT? HMMMM???? LOL.